Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Bible Revealed Episode 2: It's Either Me or Him!

Hello! Thanks for the wait! I finally found another story in the Bible worthy of mentioning because of how ridiculous it is.

Here... our main characters are God and the Prophet who judges Israel, Samuel.

I will translate this for modern audiences... then show you the actual text.

And so begins our story!

One day as Samuel was minding his own business the people of Israel, who never seemed to learn their lesson about sinning against their god no matter how many times he killed them, came up to Samuel.
As they approached, Samuel could immediately tell he was in for an earful!

"Oh boy," thought Samuel, "I am WAY too old for this prophet buisness!"

The people of Israel came up to Samuel in a crowd and said,
"Yo! Prophet guy! We want a king!"
Samuel replied, "What the Hell do you need a king for? You have God! And you've got me as your prophet and judge!"

The people said,

Samuel sighed and said, "Okay! Okay! I'll talk to God for you."

So, Samuel went to talk to God.

"Um... God... your people want a King."

God looked angry.

"Fine! Don't worry Samuel. They haven't rejected you, they've rejected me! I was their King, but they don't want me anymore. I'll GIVE them a King... but they're gonna regret it! It's either me or that stupid king! And trust me! They'll be back! They wouldn't abandon me! I'm God!"

"You tell those idiots of my people that if they REALLY want a king, I'll give them one. But that king will be REALLY mean to them! He'll send their sons into battle and steal their slaves and their crops and their stuff, and he'll abuse them and make them hate him! I will SEE TO IT that this happens! You DON'T reject God!"

God huffed angrily and left.

Samuel return to the people and told them what God had said.
"We don't care!" whined the people who never learn, "GIVE US OUR DAMN KING!!"

The End!

Okay... so here's the real text:

1 SAMUEL 8: 1 - 22

"As Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons to be judges over Israel. Joel and Abijah, his oldest sons, held court in Beersheba. But they were not like their father, for they were greedy for money. They accepted bribes and perverted justice.

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. "Look," they told him, "you are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have."

Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. "Do everything they say to you," the Lord replied, "for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don't want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them."

So Samuel passed on the Lord's warning to the people who were asking him for a king. "This is how a king will reign over you," Samuel said. "The king will draft your sons and assign them to his chariots and his charioteers, making them run before his chariots. Some will be generals and captains in his army, some will be forced to plow in his fields and harvest his crops, and some will make his weapons and chariot equipment. The king will take your daughters from you and force them to cook and bake and make perfumes for him. He will take away the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his own officials. He will take a tenth of your grain and your grape harvest and distribute it among his officers and attendants. He will take your male and female slaves and demand the finest of your cattle and donkeys for his own use. He will demand a tenth of your flocks, and you will be his slaves. When that day comes, you will beg for relief from this king your are demanding, but then the Lord will not help you."

But the people refused to listen to Samuel's warning. "Even so, we still want a king," they said. "We want to be like the nations around us. Our king will judge us and lead us into battle."

So Samuel repeated to the Lord what the people had said, and the Lord replied, "Do as they say, and give them a king." Then Samuel agreed and sent the people home."

Okay... commentary time!
Anyone else notice how petty and ridiculous God appears to behave when he hears that the people want a king? I mean... it's bad enough that he's jealous of other gods that apparently don't exist. But now he's jealous of a mortal. He's like that boyfriend that won't let you talk to anyone else or go out on weekends with your friends.

And when the people, who seem more like morons the further I get into the "Good" Book, still want a king... he gets all bitter and decides that he's going to give them what they want but "I know you'll come back to me... because I made your king an asshole. hmph!"

What is UP with this story?! And could God act any more like a human?

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