Monday, February 28, 2011

The Three Little Pigs 2.0

Most people are familiar with the classic story of the Three Little Pigs. Well I am here to present a new story for the Three Little Pigs... many of the same elements will be there... but with a new moral.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. One day they were too old to live with their parents anymore so their parents gave them money and sent them on their way to make a life on their own. Each little pig had to build a foundation for his or her way of life. And each little pig was confident that his foundation would be strong and protect him against life's troubles.

Each little pig decided to choose their own way of securing themselves against hardship. Little Pigs 1 and 2 decided that they would be best with a quick and easy way to go about it. The first little pig gathered straw from a nearby fundamentalist church that practiced faith healing. He was certain that his straw, which he called "faith in the power of the Lord Jesus Christ" would protect him from any harm. Through the power of prayer, the Lord would be his guardian and protector. So, he built his house of faith straw.

The second little pig gathered sticks from a nearby New Age medicine shop. He believed in the power of crystal healing, homeopathy, and Chinese medicine. So he built his house of faith in the power of natural medicine and was confident that age-old untested remedies would protect him.

The third little pig decided to go the hard way and be a skeptic, taking time and energy to investigate claims and place bricks of only the ones that were scientifically sound to build his house. It was taking him longer, but he was confident that this would work better than what his brothers had chosen.

While he worked, sorting claims and examining them, his brothers made fun of him. They dance around him, calling him a fool and playing the flute. Little pig number 1 said, "You know that science can't be trusted! Only the power of God will save you! Why go to all this work when faith is the easiest thing in the world?"
Little pig number 2 said, "You know you're wasting your time! Natural medicine is the way to go! All the scientists have an agenda to give you harmful medicines and make you pay too much for them! I know this because the guru said so!"

The Third Little Pig looked at his brothers with a sigh... "Have either of you looked into these claims? How do you know they're true? Science may take longer and make mistakes, but they tend to be right in the long run!"

The other little pigs scoffed and laughed at him. "Hah!" They said laughing merrily, "We don't NEED to investigate these claims because science can't be trusted and it is too slow!"

As they made fun of him by dancing around and playing the flute the 3rd little pig sighed and went back to his work, ignoring them.

Eventually all three pigs were finished, with the third little pig being finished last.
Then one day in the midst of winter, an epidemic spread across the land. This epidemic was killing people by the thousands. The epidemic's name was "Wolf."

When Wolf came to the first little pig's house it knocked on the door and bellowed, "Little Pig! Little Pig! Open up! Or I'll blow your house in!"
The little pig became sick, but knew that god would protect him.
He answered, "Not by the hair on my chinney chin chin! Jesus Christ will keep you away evil disease!" And the little pig prayed and prayed to Jesus Christ for his almighty healing, but didn't seek out help from the medical establishment.

So Wolf huffed and puffed and blew in the little pig's house of faith straw... and the disease called "Wolf" devoured the little pig who had foolishly relied on faith healing.

The disease called "Wolf" then arrived at the second little pig's house.
"Little Pig! Little Pig! Open up! Or I'll blow your house in!"

The little pig became sick, but he knew that the power of alternative medicine would cure him.
He answered, "Not by the hair on my chinney chin chin! The alternative medicine gurus will heal me and keep you away!" And the little pig tried every method of alternative medicine he could think of to cure the disease called "Wolf" he used accupuncture, and chiropracters, homeopathy, and crystal healing... but he never sought out help from the medical establishment.

So Wolf huffed and puffed and blew the little pig's house of alternative medicine sticks in... and the disease called "Wolf" devoured the little pig who had foolishly relied on unproven alternative medicine.

Then the disease called "Wolf" arrived at the third little pig's house.
"Little Pig! Little Pig! Open up! Or I'll blow your house in!"

The little pig became sick, but he knew that the established and supported scientific medicine could help heal him. He answered, "Not by the hair on my chinney chin chin! Scientific medicine will take care of you!" And the pig called his doctor who prescribed him an antibiotic and slowly, but surely the pig became well, for he had sought out help from the medical establishment.

So Wolf huffed and puffed and huffed and puffed, but he could not blow in the third little pig's house in because he had built every brick on a foundation of accepted scientific knowledge and the power of real medicine was too much for him. The disease called "Wolf" moved on, in search of an easier target and the third little pig celebrated getting over the horrible disease. The End!

Just remember! Science isn't perfect, but it's the best thing we have! Don't run to pseudoscience snake oil salesmen! You CAN trust science!

Now watch this video! ^_^

© The Thinking Atheist
Used without permission

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Bible Revealed Episode 2: It's Either Me or Him!

Hello! Thanks for the wait! I finally found another story in the Bible worthy of mentioning because of how ridiculous it is.

Here... our main characters are God and the Prophet who judges Israel, Samuel.

I will translate this for modern audiences... then show you the actual text.

And so begins our story!

One day as Samuel was minding his own business the people of Israel, who never seemed to learn their lesson about sinning against their god no matter how many times he killed them, came up to Samuel.
As they approached, Samuel could immediately tell he was in for an earful!

"Oh boy," thought Samuel, "I am WAY too old for this prophet buisness!"

The people of Israel came up to Samuel in a crowd and said,
"Yo! Prophet guy! We want a king!"
Samuel replied, "What the Hell do you need a king for? You have God! And you've got me as your prophet and judge!"

The people said,

Samuel sighed and said, "Okay! Okay! I'll talk to God for you."

So, Samuel went to talk to God.

"Um... God... your people want a King."

God looked angry.

"Fine! Don't worry Samuel. They haven't rejected you, they've rejected me! I was their King, but they don't want me anymore. I'll GIVE them a King... but they're gonna regret it! It's either me or that stupid king! And trust me! They'll be back! They wouldn't abandon me! I'm God!"

"You tell those idiots of my people that if they REALLY want a king, I'll give them one. But that king will be REALLY mean to them! He'll send their sons into battle and steal their slaves and their crops and their stuff, and he'll abuse them and make them hate him! I will SEE TO IT that this happens! You DON'T reject God!"

God huffed angrily and left.

Samuel return to the people and told them what God had said.
"We don't care!" whined the people who never learn, "GIVE US OUR DAMN KING!!"

The End!

Okay... so here's the real text:

1 SAMUEL 8: 1 - 22

"As Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons to be judges over Israel. Joel and Abijah, his oldest sons, held court in Beersheba. But they were not like their father, for they were greedy for money. They accepted bribes and perverted justice.

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. "Look," they told him, "you are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have."

Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. "Do everything they say to you," the Lord replied, "for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don't want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them."

So Samuel passed on the Lord's warning to the people who were asking him for a king. "This is how a king will reign over you," Samuel said. "The king will draft your sons and assign them to his chariots and his charioteers, making them run before his chariots. Some will be generals and captains in his army, some will be forced to plow in his fields and harvest his crops, and some will make his weapons and chariot equipment. The king will take your daughters from you and force them to cook and bake and make perfumes for him. He will take away the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his own officials. He will take a tenth of your grain and your grape harvest and distribute it among his officers and attendants. He will take your male and female slaves and demand the finest of your cattle and donkeys for his own use. He will demand a tenth of your flocks, and you will be his slaves. When that day comes, you will beg for relief from this king your are demanding, but then the Lord will not help you."

But the people refused to listen to Samuel's warning. "Even so, we still want a king," they said. "We want to be like the nations around us. Our king will judge us and lead us into battle."

So Samuel repeated to the Lord what the people had said, and the Lord replied, "Do as they say, and give them a king." Then Samuel agreed and sent the people home."

Okay... commentary time!
Anyone else notice how petty and ridiculous God appears to behave when he hears that the people want a king? I mean... it's bad enough that he's jealous of other gods that apparently don't exist. But now he's jealous of a mortal. He's like that boyfriend that won't let you talk to anyone else or go out on weekends with your friends.

And when the people, who seem more like morons the further I get into the "Good" Book, still want a king... he gets all bitter and decides that he's going to give them what they want but "I know you'll come back to me... because I made your king an asshole. hmph!"

What is UP with this story?! And could God act any more like a human?